Cosmic Crisp Review - Official Regulation Season 2 Supplemental Episode 1
Bonus · published 2021-11-13 · archive #80

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[0:00:15] Geoff: Hello and welcome to the F**kface Official Regulation Season 2 Supplemental Episode 1. This is coming out between Episode 76 and 77 of the F**kface Podcast. It is important. Eric wants you to know this is not a half episode. This is Supplemental Episode 1 of Season 2 of F**kface, as it appears between Episode 67 and Episode 77. My name is Geoff Ramsey, and I am one of three hosts in this Supplemental Podcast. Gavin Free, you are also a host, as is Andrew Panton, who could not be here physically because he lives in Canada, and for him to go anywhere, it takes 17 days. And that's not pandemic-related. That's just his issues.
[0:01:16] Geoff: Also, we have Nick and Eric, sound engineer extraordinaire and producer. Today, we will be exploring the flavors of the new Cosmic Crisp Apple. Just came out yesterday, November 8th, 2021. Brand new apple dropped, hit the streets. Everybody's talking about it. Now we're going to taste it. Hello, guys. I've learned...
[0:01:40] Gavin: This feels like the first time that we've tested out all of us doing this podcast in a room, but Andrew's not here. And I've learned three things already. Geoff is all about his arms when he's talking. Eric facepalms a lot, and Andrew doesn't get a word in it.
[0:01:59] Andrew: I mean, it's not. It's just... This is... I don't know why we're doing this. To be fair... Well, I don't know why you're doing this. This is my fault. I wasn't listening when this was agreed upon. I don't really know what this is. I don't know why we're doing it. What do you mean? This is all about what this is! And this all came from you! But I don't know why are we doing this outside of an episode?
[0:02:19] Eric: Why would we do it? Because we're trying to be timely! Because we want to hit when the apples hit, man! Apples are hot right now!
[0:02:24] Andrew: We're never timely!
[0:02:25] Geoff: We've never been timely! First time for everything! This is also the first time we've ever been here and ready to go for a worldwide global apple drop!
[0:02:34] Andrew: This shit doesn't happen all the time, man! I'm aware, and we is a strong word. We is a strong word for this. For this apple experience.
[0:02:42] Geoff: You had more than a week to figure out how to get an apple in your hand. It's true.
[0:02:45] Andrew: I couldn't get one! What do you fucking... I can't grow a tree in a week! What are you talking... I'm sorry... We didn't grow trees, dude! We didn't...
[0:02:52] Geoff: Eric didn't say, Alright, everybody go home and grow a fucking apple tree! No! Oh, not apples on the internet! He punched them to us! We're online stores for the US! You're the fucking apple guy! You should have apples coming out of your ears, dude! Come on!
[0:03:07] Gavin: I even suggested get a Honeycrisp and an Enterprise and Frankenstein and Apple together. Even that wasn't possible for Andrew.
[0:03:15] Andrew: Listen, I tried. I looked everywhere. I even tried to buy a fucking Enterprise tree. Couldn't get it in time. Couldn't find one that would ship it to me. No wonder you're so obsessed with apples!
[0:03:25] Geoff: Canada is the Sahara Desert of apples! There's an apple drought! You can't get one when you see it! Everybody on the street probably stops to look at it! They're like, Oh my god, it's the apple! We don't get those in Canada! They're impossible to find!
[0:03:37] Eric: You looked for an Enterprise tree? You didn't just like...
[0:03:41] Andrew: Yeah, well, as... No, I looked for the Enterprise apple first. I looked for the apple first, and the only thing I could find were trees. Okay. And then I was just like, Well, it'd be kind of funny if I bought a tree. I don't want to get back into these.
[0:03:52] Geoff: No, you don't have to. Jeff, tell me about the Cosmic Chris. Y'all got me yelling again. Okay, here we go. I was in not in the yelling phase of F*** Face anymore. Don't forget to bleep that one. Cosmic Crisp, infinite possibilities. The classically bred cross between an Enterprise and a Honeycrisp apple. Neither of those apples are available in the country of Canada. Obviously, neither is the Cosmic Crisp. Unfortunately, 0 for 3 on good apples is Canada. That's not true. Honeycrisp is available. Well, not available to Andrew apparently. Not ever. Here's a couple of facts. I have some in my fucking fridge. The Cosmic Crisp apple, well, do you have a, are you a Star Trek fan? Do you have an Enterprise, like a Star Trek Enterprise maybe you put together as a kid or something? No. Can you stick that on an Apple? No. Okay. The Cosmic Crisp apple is the remarkably delicious result of 20 years of study and research by Washington State University's world-class, according to them, tree fruit breeding program. Cosmic Crisp R, it's a registered name, has an exceptional flavor profile. We will see about that. The Cosmic, they've been blowing a lot of flavor profile up our ass, and we're going to see today if it holds up.
[0:04:56] Geoff: Cosmic Crisp is a one apple that is equally delicious whole, sliced, or in cooking and baking. I don't know about that. There are about 100 calories in one medium Cosmic Crisp brand apple. I don't know how that compares to other apples, which is why Cosmic Crisp apples are a perfect snack. You guys know what the traditional calorie count of an apple is? No.
[0:05:16] Gavin: Medium-sized apple? I don't either. Well, I don't understand how a sliced apple could taste different to a regular whole apple. There's a lot of words here. Oxidization, right?
[0:05:25] Eric: There's a lot of words here. Apple rust? Yeah. What's that happen? That are just explaining apples as a concept.
[0:05:32] Geoff: I'm not done. The apple has been, and I'd like to point out, we are not sponsored by the Washington Apple Commission in any way whatsoever. We had to buy these apples with our own hard-earned apple money. Don't look. The apple has been high. Oh my God, don't peek, dude. We're unboxing. The apple has been highly rated for its sweet, tangy flavor. Andrew knows a little something about that. It has exceptional storability. Andrew also knows about that. The fruit ripens in late September, is large, round, conical, with 90 to 100% of the surface covered in a rich and purple color over a green-yellow background. Since apples are mostly made up of water, they have a low calorie density, meaning there aren't a lot of calories in apples yet. They are still filling. They're fat, sodium, and cholesterol-free. You don't have to read the back. Boom! I'm not reading the back. That's what we need to know about this. How many apples we got, Eric? Like, what are we going to do with them?
[0:06:22] Eric: We have- Oh no, go ahead, Andrew. Is this real? I don't understand what kind of question that is. Like, are we recording, you mean?
[0:06:29] Andrew: No, like- Well, wait, am I recording? Actually, that's a great question. What the fuck? I was not. I was not recording. Are you- Are you new? Or is this your first episode? No, listen. I was very much caught off guard by this apple. He's like, what is this podcast? I wasn't paying attention to the last 76 episodes. Nick and I were really deep in other food talk, and I'm kind of- You're too busy. Yeah, kid. Why'd you throw Nick under the bus? Well, I don't feel like I was. This is explaining what happened. We're an Apple podcast. Guys. I know we're an Apple podcast. I am the Apple guy on this Apple podcast. I disagree with that.
[0:07:09] Eric: Yeah. I don't think you can hold that title.
[0:07:11] Geoff: You weren't even around for the Apple conversation over the weekend. Now, I don't want to get into that. By the way, see, this is a dangerous thing. I got to be careful. Yeah. Because the goal from the start has always been, has always been, I talk with my hands. We've performed together for a thousand fucking years. How do you- We've done a million podcasts before this one. How do you not know I talk with my hands?
[0:07:30] Unidentified: Oh, you should- We never sat next to each other. It's just under my face.
[0:07:33] Geoff: I'm ecstatic. We've done it off topic together one million times. We've done the RT pod- I think we're doing the RT podcast together Monday, dude.
[0:07:39] Eric: I thought you weren't going to yell anymore on this podcast. I can't help it. I don't even know what I was talking about. Are you ready- Are you ready for the Cosmic Crisp Reveal? Yes.
[0:07:50] Geoff: Yeah.
[0:07:50] Eric: This is- Andrew, you can't see, but I'll show you a video later.
[0:07:53] Geoff: Can we get a drum roll?
[0:07:54] Eric: Uh- Oh, shit! Oh. Looks like an apple. Yeah, it looks like a- 100% what I thought when I opened the box, and I just went-
[0:08:06] Geoff: Oh, these are just apples. Doesn't even look- They're not even shiny, really. It's kind of a muted- I like the little foam cutouts for the stems. It's kind of a- It's kind of a muted apple. Sort of a flat, like a matte apple. Like it's a matte apple, or maybe like eggshell apple. At best, it's eggshell. How's your apple, Andrew? How's it look?
[0:08:24] Andrew: I- I don't- I- this is- this is a bit. This is all a bit to fuck with me. This is- you're doing- we're reviewing a thing I can't eat, and this whole segment is describing a thing you're not letting me see.
[0:08:34] Eric: Do you want us to- Oh, you don't-
[0:08:36] Andrew: Oh, yeah, that's good.
[0:08:37] Eric: That works. FaceTime you now. Hey, dummy, look. I got a box of apples.
[0:08:40] Andrew: Oh, there we go. Okay, now I'm- now I'm in. Now I'm back- Oh, good. Hey, Jeff, Andrew's in. Those are some- I'm back in now. Oh, good. Okay. Well, I'm just looking at a Discord chat by myself listening to you describe apples. Let me go full screen. Right. Dude, that's what the audience is doing. Yeah, what do you think the podcast is? Well, it's- you know, it sucks to not see- what is happening with this fucking Discord thing? Anyway- Why? Just let me go full screen.
[0:09:07] Eric: No, I'm trying to- By the way, I'm going to let you guys select your apple. Damn it. Just swearing in the background. Go ahead and select your apple, Gavin. Now, Andrew- Who's- okay, wait. Who's picking? I think I'm going to go- Who's picking an apple first? I'm going to go for 1A. Gavin in the top corner apple. He went for 1A. Because this looks the glossiest. It is. It's a glossy.
[0:09:23] Geoff: They're all pretty glossy.
[0:09:24] Gavin: This one, very matte. Yeah. Very flat.
[0:09:26] Geoff: Now, Andrew, I need to select an apple, and I'd like- as an apple expert, I'm a bit of an apple novice. I did just have an apple weekend. I don't want to talk about it here because it's not official podcast content. Uh, this is supplemental content, and we only talk about supplemental things. I don't- I don't want the podcast to bleed into the supplemental content. We know that. However, I'm curious, uh, as an- as an apple, uh, enthusiast, but- but relatively new, would you help me pick out an apple? Now, do I want to go for size? Do I want to go for dark, light, sheen, matte? Or we could do claw game.
[0:09:56] Gavin: You say left and right. Oh, we could do claw game.
[0:09:59] Andrew: I- I don't- I don't want to help you at all, to be completely honest. I feel like- Controlled- You've been trying to come for my fucking apple throne, and I feel like there's clearly a bullshit apple. There's two of them that I can see. Maybe more. There's like three bullshit in that box. Well, pick his apple for him. And I feel like you're gonna grab it. Pick the apple, and then I'll pick the one you- No! You're controlling my hand, Andrew.
[0:10:19] Gavin: Go for it.
[0:10:20] Andrew: No, I'm not controlling anything. I'm letting you pick your apple and exposing yourself as the rookie apple person that you are. All right, here's what I'm gonna do.
[0:10:27] Geoff: Yeah. Here's what I'm gonna do. Yeah. Grab the first apple. There's no way I can pick a bullshit apple intentionally. Nick, you're gonna verify my- I'm not even looking. No, your soul. All right, look. Hang on.
[0:10:40] Eric: Your bullshit apple soul will be guided to the bad apple. Okay, we're moving it. We're moving it. Okay. I have no idea what's going on. Whenever you're ready, you just put your hand in. Okay, which one?
[0:10:49] Geoff: I don't know. You're touching all of them. Great job. I'm gonna touch this one. I don't know what this one is. There you go. This is my apple.
[0:10:54] Andrew: Ah, fuck. That was a good apple. He got a good one. He grabbed a good one. Way to go.
[0:10:59] Geoff: Fuck. Oh, I got number 3507. What number are you? 3507. 3507. That must be the batch. That must be the batch number. Okay.
[0:11:06] Gavin: I'm gonna save- Well, first I'm gonna save my- Immediate impressions. This is a very spherical apple. Yeah. It's very nice and round.
[0:11:13] Geoff: It's a tall- Mine's a tall apple. Are you saving- Are you putting your sticker on your wallet? I'm gonna put my sticker on my driver's license. That's fun. I have it, yeah. On your driver's license? I have it in my wallet. It's protected. I know where it is. I'm gonna put mine on my green cod. I'll take it later. Do you now- Do you guys- Do you guys- That's a good idea. Do you guys spin your- Yeah. Spin your- Uh-huh. Your stim out? Yeah, I'm gonna do this too.
[0:11:32] Eric: Andrew, is this a good one? Nick's put on his Costco card. Yeah, that's a good apple. Ooh, I'll put my- I approve. Look at how long and straight my stim is.
[0:11:39] Geoff: That's a good stim. I'll put my- I'll put my sticker on my Blockbuster card. Oh. Now, what do you do- That's important. What do you do with your apple stim, Andrew? You throw that away, I guess? You don't save it as a moment- Uh, there was- Cook with it-
[0:11:50] Andrew: There was a period of time.
[0:11:51] Eric: Really didn't show Andrew.
[0:11:52] Andrew: Yeah, that's great. Oh, that's so funny. Oh, man. Uh, there was a period of time in which I was- I was eating the entirety of the apple. Even the stim? Uh, even the stim. The core and everything.
[0:12:09] Geoff: Now does the stim- The stim and the core, do they have nutrients? I don't know. Or are you just- Hardcore?
[0:12:14] Andrew: It was- No, it was hardcore and like it was easier. I didn't want to get up in the middle of class and find the garbage can so I just eat the whole apple.
[0:12:20] Gavin: My issue with apples is very little to describe it. Like I'm sniffing it, I'm thinking it smells exactly- How tall is your apple?
[0:12:25] Geoff: Who's got a taller apple? Oh, I don't think it's me. Well, it's hard to say. I have a thinner apple. My apple doesn't stand straight. It's a little on the piss.
[0:12:34] Eric: Oh, nice. Nick says that apple seeds contain arsenic.
[0:12:37] Geoff: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they say-
[0:12:38] Eric: Yeah, you don't eat-
[0:12:39] Geoff: Uh, well, you don't want to eat them in large quantities.
[0:12:41] Eric: Yeah, I mean, you just said you eat the whole thing so it's fine. I get it.
[0:12:44] Geoff: He's a wonder he's alive.
[0:12:45] Eric: I will say the stick of residue.
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[0:13:30] Geoff: Yeah, same. Look at that. Are you seeing that? I had some sticker residue I had to spin off. Yeah. There you go. All right.
[0:13:35] Eric: Should we... Let's take a crack in. Now, do you take a vertical bite or a horizontal bite? I'm a horizontal guy. I'm a sideways bite guy. Sideways bite guy? Who does it? Nick's a vertical guy. Wow, crazy. I've always gone on that. Gavin's vertical. Interesting. Andrew, you have to break it. Yeah, break the tie. Are you a horizontal or a vertical bite?
[0:13:54] Andrew: Oh, vertical. Vertical always. Wow. Well, I feel like you want to up a teeth the ridge. Yeah, you want to go on the top. No, you just go dead center. You want to go on the meat. Yeah.
[0:14:02] Eric: All right, here we go. Interesting. The Cosmic Crisp bite test. Let's do it.
[0:14:11] Geoff: Well, I'm definitely not going to throw it against the room.
[0:14:13] Eric: That's your bulk standard apple. That is the most apple tasting apple I've ever had.
[0:14:19] Andrew: Well, wait, what does that mean? What type of, are we on the more tart side? What's the texture like? It's a little tart.
[0:14:26] Geoff: It's more tart than a regular red apple. Very mild. Very mild. A little sweet. It's a little sweeter. It's not sweet enough.
[0:14:34] Andrew: Is it tarter than an Envy? I don't know what that is.
[0:14:38] Geoff: Nick says yes. Okay. I'll say it's juicy. It is. It's full of juice.
[0:14:42] Gavin: This would make a lot of apple juice, this apple. This is just showing me that apples are just not interesting fruits. No. I mean, it's fine. It's a good apple, but it's good. I got no issue.
[0:14:52] Andrew: That is, it's a terrible tick.
[0:14:54] Geoff: I don't, I don't know that this is better than a good banana. But this is a good apple. What are you doing? Oh my God.
[0:15:02] Unidentified: What a bite. That exploded. Oh, wow. Got a big bite in. Okay. It's a full shelf. Yeah. Whoa. We get more of the bouquet. It's voluminous. Hmm. That's a great way to scrub it out. Gavin's got apple juice. Are you okay? Oh my God. What is that noise? Were you laughing at my shorts?
[0:15:34] Andrew: Yeah, so much juice.
[0:15:36] Eric: This is a very juicy apple. I don't, I don't, I don't care for it. We don't like this. It's fine. No, tell me.
[0:15:48] Andrew: Well, what type of,
[0:15:49] Eric: yeah, Andrew, you go ahead. Yeah, I was going to say what type of apples do you enjoy? I like a, I like a red apple. I don't like tart in my apple. I like a lot of sweet. It's a, to me, it's a very sweet fruit. And to get the tartness, I kind of like, I don't enjoy it. You must hate Granny Smith then.
[0:16:04] Geoff: I have no idea. I would say, I would say most people, Eric, I'm going to, I'm going to guess you, you align with most people. Who, I would separate apples into two categories. Red and green. Right? Okay. Yeah, I feel similar.
[0:16:19] Eric: I like red. I don't like green. Um, I like green apple candy. Me too. But this is too green tasting to be red. It's so red on the outside, but it's so green tasting on the inside.
[0:16:29] Gavin: It is greener on the inside than the red color. So, Andrew, do you feel like you're really missing out watching us see all these apples?
[0:16:35] Andrew: I'm not only missing out, I'm being pained by the most average apple takes I've ever heard. This is just clearly a clueless apple room.
[0:16:43] Gavin: It's average. It takes for an average apple. Mm-hmm. I wanted to have my dick blown off by this apple.
[0:16:47] Eric: Me too. I really thought it was going to taste like candy. I wanted to get a
[0:16:51] Gavin: Cosmic Crisp tattoo,
[0:16:52] Geoff: be like the world's biggest
[0:16:53] Gavin: Cosmic Crisp stand. It's okay. If I started making this, breeding this in 1997, and then all these years later I said, fruits of my labor, and it just tasted like this apple, I'd be like...
[0:17:04] Eric: Yeah, can't do it.
[0:17:05] Gavin: You wasted your time.
[0:17:06] Eric: Yeah. 20 years to get this, a thing that I could just go to the store and get. We already have this. Well, now, I think some of the benefits
[0:17:14] Geoff: are right that it keeps a long time.
[0:17:16] Eric: It, you know, it is very, like the meaty inside is not oxidizing at all. Like, at all, at all. And they've been open for a minute. Yeah. It's, uh, it's very big. Yeah. These are big apples.
[0:17:29] Geoff: I wonder if this is considered a medium-sized Cosmic Crisp.
[0:17:31] Eric: That's what they, I think that's what they
[0:17:32] Geoff: send us is a sack of medium.
[0:17:34] Eric: I will say it's only
[0:17:34] Geoff: 100 calories here.
[0:17:36] Eric: I'd hate to see a large one. I mean, that's an, what was it, 120?
[0:17:40] Unidentified: Wow, it was a little big.
[0:17:41] Eric: That's right. I was like a pumpkin. Jeff just held up his and it's like the size of a pumpkin.
[0:17:46] Gavin: It might be one of the biggest apples I've ever eaten.
[0:17:48] Eric: Uh-huh.
[0:17:50] Unidentified: How many calories?
[0:17:52] Geoff: I skipped lunch for this one. Eh, eh, large, oh. That really, that really tickled Nick.
[0:18:00] Eric: A large apple is 116. A hundred and six, a hundred and six.
[0:18:04] Gavin: Wow. That's a good snack. What's a banana? Probably more though because it's dense. How many calories and a large banana?
[0:18:13] Geoff: Um, 121. Wow. I'll say this. I will say this for the Cosmic Crisp. One of the things that's a turnoff to me on apples is I find the skin to be annoying in my mouth sometimes. Like it gets stuck around and pokey. I got no skin problems with this apple. The skin is fine.
[0:18:29] Andrew: Banana guy's gonna talk about texture. Fascinating.
[0:18:32] Unidentified: I don't talk about texture about my skin. I also said, I also said that this, it was a positive for this fucking apple. I was complimenting this apple.
[0:18:39] Geoff: You can't please him today.
[0:18:40] Andrew: Well, what's the difference between texture and skin? Isn't it the same thing?
[0:18:44] Gavin: Well, he was just saying about how it's feel. You know, I'm gonna go deeper. I'm gonna see if there's a gradient to the flavor and go towards the center.
[0:18:51] Eric: That's nice.
[0:18:51] Gavin: It's good.
[0:18:52] Eric: I will say, I think the middle is tart, more tart than like the top and the bottom.
[0:18:59] Geoff: It's like the different flavors of a jawbreaker
[0:19:00] Eric: as you get closer to the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta eat some of the seeds. It looks delicious. I ate the glue. Oh, that's fun. Was that, did that help? I think if I had a choice, I don't like bananas and I think if I had a choice between this and a banana, I'd choose a banana. Oh, yeah. That's how like underwhelming this apple is. This is just, when Gavin says bog standard apple.
[0:19:18] Gavin: Yeah, I feel like it's not underwhelming for an apple. It's just an apple is underwhelming by default and there's only so good that it can be.
[0:19:26] Geoff: I'll say this,
[0:19:27] Gavin: I think it tastes very fresh. Strong. Tastes new.
[0:19:29] Eric: It does. It does taste new. It tastes like a new apple. It doesn't taste like it was built in the 90s. Two, three, four, five, six, seven. What are we gonna do with eight more apples? That's a little bit shit. I'll take one. How? What about... Let's hit him with a baseball bat. What about scrump entrapment? I have baseball bats in the back of my car. Do you really? I do. Let's do one.
[0:19:47] Unidentified: We could do that or what if we did... If we slow-mo it for the promo... Okay.
[0:19:50] Eric: Boom! Oh, that's a good idea.
[0:19:52] Unidentified: Yeah, we'll do it outside. Okay. Do you remember how...
[0:19:54] Geoff: Do you remember those videos we used to do in video games called bum bait where you would put somebody and stand somebody in the corner and then they would go up to melee them and then you would run around from behind them and shoot them in the butt with a shotgun? What if we bum baited with apples? We stuck them around the office and then when somebody goes up to try to get them we hit them in the back with a baseball bat.
[0:20:12] Eric: Your idea is to hit someone with a baseball bat?
[0:20:14] Geoff: From behind.
[0:20:15] Gavin: I'll never know who it was. Oh. I feel like we should just see... We're gone. I feel like we should just see who is a scrumper by nature. See who scrumps just put them up in the trees. Scrump her by nature now because I hate you.
[0:20:28] Andrew: Andrew, did you like that? I will never not be convinced that this wasn't completely designed to just fuck with me.
[0:20:35] Gavin: We're in the damn apples I'm not true.
[0:20:37] Geoff: I'm not for you. I'm not trying to get on board with your interests. I'm wearing an apple shirt today, dude. It's true. He is wearing an apple shirt.
[0:20:44] Andrew: I appreciate... I appreciate... It's the apple content. Yeah. No, I appreciate the apple content.
[0:20:49] Geoff: I flew to Detroit to go to a cider mill just to immerse myself in your world. I can't believe you're so annoyed today. And then I gave you update... See, I don't want to get supplemental content. I don't want to get main channel content on supplemental. But I spent a whole day giving you apple content and you ignored it and turned your fucking phone off, by the way. I was pretty excited about it. I liked it all. Thank you, Eric. You were on board. I appreciate it. And Gavin, you shared your sandwiches. I went pastrami. Andrew just gave me two middle fingers.
[0:21:14] Andrew: I'm just going to quickly summarize what has happened here. We are reviewing... I have been vocally the only person that thinks an apple is above average. I think it's the best fruit available. We are reviewing a specific apple I cannot eat. I'm just watching a bunch of people who think apple is at best average eating my favorite fruit and then they're going to smash the rest of them with a fucking baseball bat. Well, what do you want us to... Get the apple! Get hold of one! I can't! I'd love to! I'd absolutely love to! You're an apple, quitter! They look great! I've got no words. This is all designed as a... This is a... I don't know. This is a prank. Okay! You're fucking with me in some way. We got to wrap this up, right? Yeah. This says that it's great for...
[0:21:56] Eric: It says that it's great for fresh salad... fresh salads and in beverages. Oh, how would it do in a pastrami sandwich? You know, with the tartness...
[0:22:03] Gavin: A nice slice? Yeah. It makes for a floral burp. You know what? I'll tell you that. I'm going to take one for lunch.
[0:22:08] Geoff: You should take... It's going to be my sandwich apple. Please take pics.
[0:22:12] Unidentified: Mm-hmm.
[0:22:13] Geoff: Okay, well I think we should go around the room and then leave our final apple impressions. Let's do on a f*** face scale of one to ten. Okay. Ten being like the best apple on earth. Right. One being the worst apple on earth. Uh-huh. Gavin, where do you rate the Cosmic Crisp based on the 75% of the apple that you've eaten thus far? What's the scale? Are we doing numbers? I just fucking... Are you Andrew?
[0:22:41] Gavin: What?
[0:22:43] Geoff: Am I being pranked now? I was making eye contact when I told you the f***ing thing. I'll be honest. I was looking right at you. You were looking at me. I told you what the f***ing scale was and why.
[0:22:57] Unidentified: Let me be honest with you. I leant back just back then when I did a little apple burp and I threw up in my... a little burp. One to ten, guy.
[0:23:07] Geoff: Hey, hold on. How's an apple... How's an apple burp puke? It was... It just tastes like apple. It was just like the last bit and it just came back up.
[0:23:15] Gavin: Yeah.
[0:23:16] Geoff: One to ten. Five... Six. Six. And how would you rate apples in general? Six. So you think it's a bog-standard apple? It's just an apple. It's just a... No better or worse than any other apple you've ever eaten.
[0:23:26] Gavin: I would do apples like this. Every apple is a six out of ten. Mm-hmm. Including this one. Except Granny Smith, which is six and a half.
[0:23:34] Eric: Mm. Eric. Not a big... I mean, apples are fine. I don't have anything for or against them. I feel like sometimes they give me indigestion. I think they're just... Okay. Five. Like every other apple I've ever eaten that's red.
[0:23:48] Unidentified: Andrew's gonna be livid.
[0:23:49] Eric: It's just...
[0:23:50] Unidentified: Nick. Five. Total middle of the road. There are better apples. There are worse apples. Okay. Wait.
[0:23:56] Gavin: What's a better apple to you?
[0:23:58] Unidentified: And where would it rank? Envy apple. At least a seven. Mm. And then Pink Lady? Pink Lady's a good apple. About an eight. Yeah. Okay.
[0:24:05] Geoff: All right. So Nick puts this three below a Pink Lady. Gavin, you put it .5 below the best apple. Yeah. Eric, you don't give a fuck about apples. Five, it's fine. Andrew, what would you... I know you didn't get to taste it, but before I give my impressions, do you want to throw yours just on site, overall experience watching us eat it? What do you think you'd give this apple?
[0:24:26] Andrew: Are you asking me to hypothetically rate what this delicious-looking apple tastes like?
[0:24:34] Gavin: Yeah, based on the data set that you have in front of you. And based on this information.
[0:24:39] Andrew: Okay. So just to, like, further pour salt in the wound, you want me to get in this space that I'm actually able to taste this delicious apple and give it a score?
[0:24:48] Gavin: Yeah. Yeah, I would appreciate that. Then when you get one for real, we can compare it to the real one.
[0:24:51] Andrew: Then we'll see if you were right. Yeah. I'm going to give this apple... Glue content was pretty good. Sticker placement, pretty good. Size, packaging, solid. Nice shine on the red. Not too waxy. I'd give it... Give it an 8 out of 10.
[0:25:05] Geoff: 8 out of 10.
[0:25:05] Andrew: Okay. 8 out of 10.
[0:25:06] Geoff: All right. The highest score.
[0:25:10] Eric: The guy just went to the half one.
[0:25:12] Geoff: I would say... I'm a little kinder than these guys. I think the average apple is a 6.85. Just on average. Like, a bog-standard apple is a 6.85. I would give this apple 7.6. I think it's better than an average apple. I enjoyed it. That's pretty high. I'm going to give it... It's not a full point higher than your average bog-standard apple, but I would say it's a 0.8 higher or so. So, 0.85. Whatever that shakes out to be. So, 7.6 is what I give this apple. So, we got a 5. We got a 6. We got a 5. Andrew gave it an 8. Yeah. He never even fucking tasted it. He gave it an 8. And I gave it a 7.6. Andrew, when did you start trying to get this apple? Three weeks ago. Average score of 6.32. 6.32. Wow. Is where the Honeycrisp... I'm sorry, the Cosmic Crisp sits on the apple scale. Should we put it on the leaderboard that we've got? Yeah, we'll need to... That's the first apple to be entered on the leaderboard. We'll have to try another one and see how...
[0:26:13] Geoff: Throw it up there. We've got baseball speeds and apple scores. Pretty good. The apple board. We've got the apple board.
[0:26:24] Eric: Well, thanks for listening to this. A podcast where we...
[0:26:28] Andrew: It's not a podcast.
[0:26:29] Eric: This was supplemental podcast content.
[0:26:31] Andrew: You're right. This was just a fuck you to me is what it was. We could just label it appropriately. You had... It's a fuck you.
[0:26:36] Eric: There was time... I don't know what you wanted. What did you want me to do? How are we... I don't know. Oh, good.
[0:26:42] Andrew: All right, cool. Not this.
[0:26:44] Geoff: So, you didn't want us to rate and review apples the day after they come out.
[0:26:48] Andrew: I don't know why we had... No, I don't know why we had to do the tape.
[0:26:50] Geoff: We made such a big deal about the Cosmic Crisp coming out. How do we not enjoy it at launch? Come on, man. Immediately. You want these to sit for four days?
[0:26:58] Eric: I don't. Yeah. Yeah, you clearly do.
[0:27:00] Andrew: You gave it a five. You're like apples are a five. They are.
[0:27:04] Eric: You're fine with it sitting. No, because they'll get brown and then it's like...
[0:27:07] Andrew: That lasts for a year.
[0:27:09] Gavin: If I bought you a ticket to America, would you come and eat the apple?
[0:27:13] Andrew: Oh, that's an enticing offer. Wait, where? Where? Where in America? How far am I traveling? I don't have to go to fucking Texas to get this apple. Theoretically, I could go closer.
[0:27:25] Gavin: To what? That's too far in the middle and down?
[0:27:27] Andrew: It's just... It's... It's... Yeah. It's the furthest north I've ever been. So, I don't know if I want to make that trip again.
[0:27:37] Geoff: Bye. Thank you for tuning in to season two's first supplemental episode of F*** Face. If you're looking to figure out where this fits on the timeline, it's right between episode 76 and 77. This was not a half episode. But between the recordings of 77 and 78. Do not make the mistake of taking that. That is true. Timeline-wise. It was physically recorded between 77 and 78. Who knows when it'll be edited. After daylight savings. If... That's true. Sunday was daylight savings. We fell back. Yeah. So, you are one hour behind on the clock. Thanks for listening. It's the night. If you enjoyed this supplemental content and would appreciate more supplemental content, not half episodes, but supplemental content, let us know. And, as always, rate and review. Thanks for listening. Bye.
[0:28:33] Eric: I don't... What do you... It just stopped. Hit and roll again. Yeah, that's right. He can't roll again. So, this is all trash. I just hit roll again. You just told him to hit stop again. Why are you hitting stop again? You just said you couldn't roll.
[0:28:49] Andrew: You said that you couldn't roll. No, I'm rolling again. I said I just rolled again. And you're like, I can't roll again. No, you said you stopped rolling.
[0:28:58] Gavin: And then you said you stopped again. So, should we point out that we stopped... Are we recording? We stopped recording. We had about a minute of chat. And then Andrew said, there will be revenge.
[0:29:09] Geoff: When referring to this, not only that, in addition to Andrew losing his mind and getting angrier in that one minute, Gavin got even dumber. Like, Gavin got extra... He was already fucking stupid in this podcast. He got even dumber.
[0:29:23] Gavin: There's so much going on in the room. There's so many distractions. Usually, I'm sat in the dark in my office at home. Andrew's angry and you're stupid. What was the second stupid thing I did?
[0:29:31] Eric: When he gave you the numbers and then it was right as we ended, what was the conversation that we had that was just like you not paying attention? It just happened again. Yeah. Is this part of Andrew's revenge? Jesus Christ. Get me out, man. Let's go hit these with a baseball bat.
[0:29:59] Gavin: Yeah. All right. I'm going to make a sandwich. I'm going to make a sandwich.
